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This damn bed must go

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I just can't fathom another night spent on this bed. I awoke this morning to find that the Bed Bugs had, once again, had their way with me. To be honest, I'm not sure that the culprits are actually "Bed Bugs." It may be that these "Bed Bugs" are much more familiar with childish, hackneyed phases than with Korean mattresses. Semantics aside, whatever mattress mite that resides in our quaint and otherwise pleasant Haandong apartment is getting the fucking boot.
My roommate and I recently discussed various methods of mattress disposal. The conversation went something like this:

Boston: "So, I was thinking of having my friend at the Haguan translate a message for the security guard downstairs..."
Seattle: "And how is that going to get rid of this thing?"
Boston: "Well, you can't just dump it out behind some building as if we were in Northfield- You have to pay to get a truck to take it away. It would be appropriate to inquire with the security guard."
Seattle: "You know, there are easier ways."
Boston: Half-chuckling, with a glint of apprehension in his eyes, "Right, since there is a massive parking lot 13 floors below our balcony? You are insane."
Seattle: Caught up in humor of the balcony exit fantasy, I chuckle while mimicking various mattress trajectories with my hand and forearm, "We'd be lucky if it just went Fffump! and nicely floated down to that grassy sliver in front of the lot near the building- you know where I'm talking about?"
Boston: Now also wrapped up in the amusing banter, "The more likely result would be a, Fffump! WHHumpP! as it first floated out away from the building and then violently back towards it somewhere around the 9th floor!"
Seattle: Absolutely overcome with the image, "I could just see some guy exiting his apartment only to get blind-sided with a mite infested mattress!"
An adequate pause, freckled with intermittent chuckles, ensues as both return to reality.
Seattle: "You know, I could lug one of the mattresses over to the out-door climbing wall, no? I mean, I can't order that crash pad until the end of the month and..."

And it is not just the mites-of-doom that have pushed this issue to the brink of action. A night from the not-to-distant past saw dinner turn into a Soju tasting session gone horribly wrong. It is fair to say that the bed took an unreasonable share of the abuse.
So, what will replace this poor excuse for a bed? Since we are all gung-ho about the Korean experience and not so gung-ho about sleeping in the same bed, we have decided that traditional matts are the way to go.

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